Avatar After Dark A Cocktail of Cactus Juice
by moonspirityingyang
Summary: Sokka verbally bitchsmacks Bryke for the lack of Zutara, Katara takes a firm hold of Zuko's destiny as well as the Powerpuff Principle, and Zuko owns Zhao, as well as his mother. This is just a snippet of the ranmblings of my mind on cactus juice. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Zuko is the boss of bosses**

Zhao: Where's your honor now Zuko?

Zuko: I believe I left it between your mother's legs….

Sokka: OH SHIT… BITCH GOT BURNED… GET IT BECAUSE ZUKO IS A FIREBENDER! HA…. SOKKA YOU ARE HILARIOUS….

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><p><strong>Sokka Ships Zutara<strong>

Bryke,

I have a proposal for you. As you can see my proposal is Zutara, and no, I am not on cactus juice. But, OMG it would be so kewl if my sister boned the fire prince 'cause then they could be all *steam* and I can be all *flying kick-a-pow* and Zuko could be my Broho and then we can go do man things together like hunt and eat meat and shit. I mean, guys, Aang is a monk. And I want to be Uncle Sokka one day…

Wait, what do you mean Aang and Katara have a child. The hell is a Korra? But, I thought Monks were asexual or something…. What the HELL DO YOU MEAN THEY KISSED IN A CAVE. IN THE DARK! No, this is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM WHEN KATARA AND ZUKO WERE ALONE IN A CAVE. THAT ARROWED MOTHER- THE CAVE OF TWO LOVERS! IT WAS CALLED THE CAVE OF TWO LOVERS. THE STORY IS ABOUT TWO PEOPLE FUCKING IN A CAVE IN THE DARK! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NAME IT THAT IF IT WASN'T TRUE!

Katara kissed Aang. Katara KISSED Aang! Isn't that illegal! My sister is a pedophile…. No, seriously explain to me how that isn't creepy. So… Katara was Aang's teacher, what does that have to do with anything? HOT FOR TEACHER! HOT FOR TEACHER? SO KATARA WAS LIVING OUT SOME SICK PERV FANTASY OF GETTING IT ON WITH HER STUDENT? No… So then why did Katara kiss Aang in the Earth Kingdom but then was all eww when he did it the other times….?

(….)

I deserve an answer. No, don't answer with the "she was conflicted" crap. Yue was conflicted and I still joined the Mile High Club… good times…. good times. So riddle me this, what made so Katara un-conflicted eh? Maybe it was the fact that you realized that Aang deserves a TROPHY for NOT KILLING THE FIRELORD. Zuko would have killed the shit out of the Firelord. He would've been like SHAZAM LIGHTNING BARRAGE BITCH and the Ozai would've been like AAH MY FACE AHHH DYING.…. and Zuko would've been like KARMA'S A BITCH, NO, KARMA'S A BANISHED PRINCE! Ha! See what I did there…. that rhymed. I still got it Sokka. You know, bitches love poets…. This one time in Haiku camp…. I totally paddled this one girls can-

But I digress. Bryke, I know it sucks knowing that you turned my beloved sister into a incestuous pedophile-esque sexual deviant. And, Zuko is probably going to get paper-cuts every time he scores with his girl. Get it! Because she's so pointy! Ha! Tui and La I am good! And then, you know, be miserable because she's miserable and just be miserable together. But you know what…. YOU KNOW WHAT!

I AM GOING TO PAWN THIS PICTURE, AND HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF MEAT, THEN AFTER I HAVE EATEN MY FILL, GO TO THE FIRENATION, BRIBE MAI TO LEAVE ZUKO CAUSESHE'SAGOLDDIGGERWHORE-BLAH, ZUKO WILL SEE THAT SHE TAKES SAID BRIBE AND BE LIKE…. SOKKA THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW THAT MY GIRL IS A GOLDDIGGINGWHORE-BLAH, BROES BEFORE HOES. BUT THEN YOU KNOW, MAI WILL GET PISSED AND SHANK HIM.

NO… DON'T WALK AWAY I'M ALMOST DONE! SO THEN I'LL SAVE THE DAY BY DELIVERING SOKKA TO KATARA SO THAT SHE COULD HEAL HIM. ZUKO WILL REALIZE THAT HE LOVES HER AND WHATNOT, THEN OMFG ZUTARA FTW.

And Aang will go penguin sledding and do things that normal pubescents normally do WHICH DOES NOT INCLUDE MY SISTER.

So, yeah…. just remember. I'm the one who boned the moon, therefore I know romance. Don'tellSukISaidThat.

Watertribe out *gun-fingers, winks, hitches a ride with Sango and her massive boomerang*

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><p>I had so much fun writing that.<p>

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><p><strong>Fireflakes and Angst; Taking Control of Zuko's Destiny <strong>

Katara (smug): I can certaintly beat you at hand-to-hand contact….

Zuko (smug): You sure about that water peasant?

Katara punches him, **hard**.

Katara (pissed): Son of a b- What the hell are you made out of?

Zuko (gazing into the horizon): Fireflakes and angst.

Katara: Isn't there a third ingredient?

Zuko: Uhm…

Katara: You know, sugar, spice, and everything nice…. there is a third ingredient. There has to be! It is the Powerpuff Principle Zuko! Powerpuff Principle!

Zuko: Fine! Fireflakes, angst, and…. uhm….

Katara: Raw sex appeal….

Zuko (flustered): Wha- what?

Katara: You heard me. Zuko, I am taking control of my destiny right now. And right now my destiny is in your pants. By the way, take them off.

Zuko (more flustered): But-what the-what?

Katara: God, your awkwardness gets me so hot. Zuko, we are going to fight your crazy bitch homicidal sister tomorrow. We might die. So, this unresolved sexual tension needs to be resolved. I'm planning on riding you like a Comodo Rhino tonight. You in? .

A pause

Zuko (smirk): In you.

_Bomchickawowwow…_

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><p>This is what happends when I don't want to go to sleep so I daydream. I'm sure this is on Cabbage juice. (Yes… Cabbage…not Cactus…. Juice. That's how much crack it's on)…<p>

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><p><strong>Sokka Knows Romance<strong>

Zuko: I… I think I've hit rock bottom Sokka…. I need your advice.

Sokka: Ha! I'm not surprised, you've come to the right place. What's on your mind hotman… You there…?

Zuko: I can't believe I'm doing this- I need advice…. there is a girl… and she hates me and I want to make her hate me less and possibly like me I mean I tied her to a tree and she didn't really like that so I said she could tie me to a tree and I could be at her mercy- I mean I have the rope and everything- and she waterb- I mean she slapped me and-

Sokka: Scarfacemcangstypants… calm down… I boned the moon, I know romance…

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><p>I was daydreaming and this little convo popped into my noggin. Yeah….<p>

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><p><strong>It's Zuko, Betch<strong>

Sokka (incredulously): You have a girlfriend?

Zuko: I have a scar on my face not on my dick….

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><p>So, this is my first fanfiction, crack-fick, mind explosion. Read, review... please. PLEASE. WITH A HALF HALF NAKED ZUKOJET/SOKKA/HARU (and his sexyfine-ness), WAIT THAT MADE NO SENSE, HOW CAN YOU BE HALF HALF NAKED! Contemplate that as you hit the review button...

See that, I just inceptioned your ass... cactus juice Sokka style.

Well that was just on all types of crack... count how many times I say crack in this story... :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar. But I did own you mom last night.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Cleavage and Wood<br>**

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><p>Zuko holding Katara's necklace in front of her. Said waterbender still tied to tree, seething. Soldier looking at the both of them eye-fuck each other.<p>

Katara: Give me my mother's necklace!

Zuko: No until you hand me the Avatar, Water Peasant!

Katara: Cyclops!

Zuko: Witch!

Katara: Bastard!

Zuko: Bitch!

Soldier: Will you two just shut the hell up and fuck each other already!"

Zuko, in shock, looses his grip on Katara's necklace.

Katara's necklace falls….

And falls…

Right into Katara's cleavage.

_Awkward..._

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><p><strong>Sunrise<br>**

* * *

><p>Zuko: I rise with the Sun.<p>

Sokka: I know morning wood's a bitch, am I right?

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><p><strong>Zuko is a Boss Mother F*****<strong>

* * *

><p>Zuko pushes Suki away, tackles Katara and saves her from a very messy death.<p>

He rolls on top of her as a result.

Katara pushes him away as a result of *UST

Katara: "You can get off me now!"

Zuko: "That wasn't what you said last night."

Katara: …

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><p><strong>Ember Island Players<br>**

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><p>Spoof Zuko catches his hair on fire when he gets angry. Audience roars. Tis hilarious.<p>

Suki: So, wait Zuko? Can that really happen?

Sokka: Yeah, Zuko, can you loose control of your flame. I mean Katara looses control of her bending all the time…

Zuko: Oh, I can control my flame.

Katara (blushes)

**_AN/ Anyone notice during Boiling Rock when Mai is like, I don't need protection. And Zuko's like, 'Trust me she doesn't'. Yeah, pimp Zuko exists..._**

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><p><strong>Boo you whore!<strong>

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><p>Wait, so if you're an earth bender does that mean you're always rock-hard?<p>

Haru: Shut up Sokka.

And Zuko, since you're a fire bender does that mean you're always fired-up?

Sokka, I'm going to kill you and fuck your sister on top of your dead body.

Wait what?

Katara walks up.

Zuko (slyly) Hey Katara, since you're a water bender, does that mean you're always wet?

Katara: Only when I'm around you, babe.

Katara and Zuko make out ferociously. Aang dies a little on the inside.

Quagmire: Giggitty

So, Aang since you're an airbender does that mean you are always…?

Uhm….

Windy….

No…

I got it! Since you're an airbender, does that mean you're always breaking wind?

Quagmire: Damn Aang, you're element killed the sexy faster than when Peter-

Sokka: No Family Guy segues. Get the hell out Quagmire...

Quagmire: Boo you whore!

Aang: Seriously Sokka, lay off the Cactus juice.

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><p>*Unresolved Sexual Tension. Did you get through all the crack? If you did, congradulations! You have just caputed a wild Zuko! Maybe, in a few months, you will catch a wild Mako as well<p>

! And yes, Katara does have cleavage. When I read smutfics, I tend to age Katara just a bit (16-17 *cough*). My logic: Katara was fourteen when she discovered the Avatar. Fourteen going on fifteen. So, a few days into the series she turns fifteen. A year passes when Zuko joins the group, so she's sixteen. Is that the truth, probably not. Does it make me feel better when I read Zuko/Katara smut fics, oh hellz yes.

Quagmire is just there... don't question it.

And I swear there were so many innuendoes during the Siege of the North! "I rise with the Sun." "He took Aang right from under me." Bryke, you dirty minded geniuses.

Please Review. Please. Please. Or Azula will break into your house and eat your face with a side of fireflakes and **Doom**! She'll go Mama Umbridge on yo ass! She will go Bon Qui Qui and **Cut Chu! **


	3. Chapter 3

I will warn you... If you reached chapter three, you already know that this story is on crack. But, now this story is on Diablo Cody crack. I just had movie night. I watched Jennifer's Body. A riveting tale about a teenage girl who is sexy and eats boys. Although the movie won several Razzie's, it wins a gold star for quotability. So, I threw in some JB quotes for my pleasure and for those who have seen the movie (most haven't).

You have been warned

**Disclaimer: Don't own Avatar. The arrow head one... and also the sexy Smurf ones too. **

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><p><strong>What happened in the underground catacombs in Ba Sing Se…<strong>

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><p>Katara: I hate you. I hate your nation. I hate your face because it represents the nation that I hate. You know what, I hope you all spontaneously combust-<p>

Zuko: I combusted spontaneously on your mom last night…

Katara: I hate you.

Zuko: You want me.

Katara: My mom's dead.

Zuko: So is mine.

Katara: The firenation killed my mother-

Zuko: I guess we have that in common.

_Awkward silence_

Katara: I hate your face, let me heal it.

Zuko: Well that was random.

Katara: No seriously, if I heal your face, then you will join my team, then Sokka won't be the only getting some in the Gaang. Can you imagine all the hot, wet, angry sex we could have? I mean you've already tied me to a tree-

Zuko: Yeah, I'm sick of jerkbending…. And Mai's a frigid bitch, I can tell. We would seriously make one smokin' couple, you and me…

Katara: Don't you mean steamy?

Zuko: Is that the name of our ship, steamy?

Shippers: No, it's Zutara! You are steamy because you are water and fire and that makes-

Katara: So, how long have we been alone in this cave now Zuko?

Zuko: I don't know… three hours maybe….

Katara: Let me touch your face.

Zuko: No, no one touches the face. My scar is on my face. That scar is a symbol of my-

Katara: Let me touch your damn scar, I have this magic water, I can heal it.

Zuko: ….

Shippers: Zuko, what the hell! Let her touch your face, damn!

Zuko: Fine, touch my face. Heal it. I want to join your team and choose my own destiny. But mostly, it's for the hate sex.

Katara touches his scar.

Zuko closes his eyes.

The shippers hold one bated horny breathe.

_Explosion_

Aang: Hai guys, I'm here to cockblock.

Azula: It smells like Thai food in here, have you guys been fucking?

Iroh: For the love of Tea and tits Zuko, hit that!

Shippers: I concur! Zuko tap dat ass!

Zuko: No, I choose to restore my honor to my Nation and whatnot and thatfrigidbitchMai.

Quagmire: Gigg- no…

* * *

><p><strong>Ember Island Playa<strong>

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><p><em>Aang and Katara standing on the Balcony during Ember Island play intermission.<em>

Aang: Hey Katara, want to see what my arrow points to?

_Katara walks away_

Aang: I was talking about my penis!

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><p><strong>Oh No They Didn't<strong>

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><p>Katara's Actress: I have to admit, Prince Zuko, I really find you attractive.<p>

Zuko's Actor: You don't have to make fun of me!

Katara's Actress: But I mean it. I've had eyes for you since the day you first captured me.

_The real Katara and Zuko cringe and slide away from each other_

Zutara Shippers: Oh no they didn't.

_Pulls out earrings and takes off heals._

Oh, Bryke, you 'bout to get cut.

Shit just got real.

Dramione/Dasey/ Any other forbidden love- deeper meaning ship loaded with sexual tension that would make any nympho combust: I feel your pain.

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><p><strong>Diablo Cody, don't sue me!<strong>

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><p><em>Mai cuts Azula in order to save Zuko during Boiling rock arc.<em>

_Azula is bleeding. Clutches side._

You got a tampon? Thought I'd ask. You seem like you might be pluggin'.

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><p>So, I threw in some Jennifer's Body quotes, because I'm silly like that. I loved Ember Island Players, I honestly did. But then I saw the series finale. What the hell were you trying to say Bryke? Quit playing games with my heart! *Foams at the Mouth*... I am taking a deep breath. No rant. I shall not rant.<p>

Zuko is pimp. Aang is not a pimp. Now that that is established!

Review please.

Please.

Or else I will seduce you with my akwardness...


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